Republican party planks:
Science: Humans hunted dinosaurs to extinction. And further down the genome in Kansas, they say Americans hunted dinosaurs to extinction.*
Human sexuality: Gays are bad and should be shipped off to modern day equivalent of Lepers Island. Unless they are self-hating fags who donate loads of money to the GOP. Or they're the Vice President's daughter.* The self-loathing ones can quietly hide in the closet. The Vice-President's daughter can do whatever she damn well pleases.
Fiscal responsibility: does not apply to defense spending. Or corporate welfare. Or rich people.
On life: Adamantly pro, as long as abortion is the topic. Otherwise, don't hold back the cannon fodder. Cf. death penalty, access to health care, waging illegal war, collateral damage, gutting clean environmental laws, greenlighting torture, rendition, black prisons, erode working class/middle class. [Ed. note: Taking a break to fix a stiff B&B.]
Government involvement: None in business - save it all for citizens' bedrooms. 2008 plank: death penalty for adultery.
Military planning: done by guys who sucked at Risk.
Leisure: Alcohol and cigarettes - OK. Illegal drugs - bad unless you have a prescription (helloooo Merck, Pfizer, and Lilly!). Gambling - kind of okay unless it's online, then it's off limits.
Slogans: War on Terror. Means nothing and got away with it for 5+ years.
What the GOP wrote in Saudi Arabia's yearbook: BFF, W (Cheney made him write it.)
*See fundamentalist Muslim positions on these same issues. Do gay Muslims get welcomed by 72 kohl-eyed boys?